Healing Out Loud: A Naval Academy Mother's Journey Through Loss, Healing, and Mental Health Advocacy

As a loved one of a person at the Naval Academy, I know you have an immeasurable pride in your midshipman's accomplishments. Their dedication, intelligence, and drive are truly remarkable.

However, beneath the surface of success, there may be hidden struggles - especially in the high stress and pressure filled environment in Annapolis.  I struggled with my mental health at times, and deeply struggled around the 3-4 year mark of commissioned service.

Today, I want to discuss an incredibly important topic: suicide awareness and prevention for our Naval Academy family.

Recently, I had the privilege of speaking with Tonia Lott.  Tonia is a Naval Academy mother whose son, Julian, a Naval Academy graduate ('19) and submarine officer, tragically died by suicide.

Tonia's son, Julian, graduated from the United States Naval Academy with a Bachelor of Science in Mathematics with Economics.

Upon graduation he was commissioned as a Submarine Officer in the United States Navy. Julian graduated among the top three percent of his class at nuclear power school.
 
From June 2021 to August 2023, Julian served onboard NEW JERSEY (SSN 796). He was routinely sought out by the officers and crew as one of the most knowledgeable and charismatic sailors onboard. 

Julian entered into eternal rest on August 15, 2023.

Tonia's story is a powerful reminder that even our brightest stars can face overwhelming challenges, and it's crucial that we, as loved ones of midshipmen, remain vigilant and proactive in addressing mental health.

NOTE: We are not medical professionals and this is not medical advice.  This podcast and blog are purely a reflection on Tonia's experience and attempt to tell her story in the hopes it may benefit our community.

The Mask of Success

One of the most striking aspects of Tonia's story is how Julian's outward success masked his inner struggles.  

Julian was a top performer at the Naval Academy and in his subsequent naval career. He purchased homes, excelled in his duties, and maintained an active social life.

I knew Julian and had spent time with him in social settings - he was a light to his friends and full of joy.

To the outside world - and to his loving mother - he appeared to be thriving. This "mask of success" can make it incredibly difficult to recognize when your loved ones are struggling.

Even if someone is crushing it at the Academy, I encourage you to ask about how they are truly doing.

Recognizing the Signs

While hindsight is often clearer, Tonia shared some subtle changes in Julian's behavior that, in retrospect, may have been indicators of his internal struggle:

• Changes in communication patterns
• Unusual fatigue
• Uncharacteristic behavior
• Avoidance

These signs, while subtle, indicated changes in Julian's typical behavior.  

The Importance of Open Dialogue

One of the most crucial lessons from Tonia's experience is the importance of direct, open communication about mental health. At the Naval Academy and in the fleet, your midshipman is going to be very busy and very stressed.  But Tonia's story highlights the need for honest conversations about mental well-being.

Tonia suggests asking questions like:

"Are you sure you're just busy, or is there something deeper going on?"

This question may feel uncomfortable, but it could potentially save a life.

Utilizing Naval Academy Resources

I know this can be a very scary article to read.  I know you can't even fathom a situation like this with your midshipman and your primary concern is always with their health and happiness.

And I want to make sure to highlight for you that the Naval Academy offers extensive support for midshipmen struggling with mental health issues. As parents, you should familiarize ourselves with these resources and encourage our children to use them if needed:

• Battalion Chaplains: Each battalion has a dedicated chaplain trained in counseling.
• Midshipman Development Center: This facility offers comprehensive mental health services, including trauma response and sports psychology.  Learn more about the MDC here.
• Emergency Services: The Academy has protocols in place for immediate mental health needs.

I went to the MDC multiple times as a Midshipman.  Life at the Naval Academy can be really hard - even when things got better for me, they were still extremely difficult.  And the team at the MDC helped me.  The MDC is next level good.  The providers are professional and competent and I highly encourage midshipmen to take advantage of these resources.

And for my parents and loved ones, encouraging your midshipmen to seek help is not a sign of weakness - it's a demonstration of strength and self-awareness.

Breaking the Stigma

Tonia's journey of healing has led her to advocate for breaking the stigma surrounding mental health and suicide. She emphasizes the importance of language, urging us to use phrases like "died by suicide" rather than "committed suicide."  This shift in terminology acknowledges the complex nature of mental health struggles and helps create a more compassionate dialogue.

A Call to Action

As parents and supporters of Naval Academy midshipmen, you can play a vital role to play in mental health awareness. 

I highly encourage you to listen to Tonia tell her story and talk about her relationship with her son.

You can watch the podcast discussion on YouTube here.

You can listen to the podcast here.

And I HIGHLY encourage you to read her book, "My Beautiful Black Son Died By Suicide."  It's powerful.

You can purchase the book here.

-- 

Grant is a graduate of the United States Naval Academy class of 2017. He is also the founder of Academy Insider. You may reach out to Grant with questions at [email protected].  

To learn more about the Naval Academy, connect with Academy Insider. 

You can also subscribe to his podcast the Academy Insider Podcast with Grant Vermeer on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Stitcher and Spotify.